Dangers of Dating Violence
Dating can be dangerous when the signs and symptoms of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse are present. Romantic love relationships can bring feelings of acceptance and belonging that are exciting as well as capable of convincing the couple that the relationship is safe and permanent. This message is to create the awareness that dating violence can be present on the first date or at any time in a dating relationship when someone you love hurts you physically, sexually, or emotionally. This pattern exists across all age groups and ethnicities, incomes, and education levels in romantic relationships.
As a Christian Counselor for 24 years, I have worked with women and men experiencing the dangers of dating violence in their relationships. The focus of this blog will be on women as victims and survivors of domestic violence in their relationships spanning from dating to divorce.
Abusive and violent behaviors that are learned in generational patterns of power and control must be identified and understood to stop the destructive effects in relationships. The women who have been residents at The Dwelling Place (TDP) report that the men who abused them first appeared as kind and helpful, respectful, and caring to win their love. In this phase, the women fell in love thinking that this was his true character. As the relationships developed the typical abuse cycle began to take over their lives consisting of tension building, escalation, and explosion, closely followed by a honeymoon phase when the abusive person tried to make up by apologizing and promising that “it will never happen again”, buying gifts and being especially pleasing to the victim.
Definitions of dating abuse and violence include but are not limited to the following behaviors:
Emotional and verbal abuse — yelling, name-calling, bullying, not respecting your “no”, isolating you from your family and friends, saying you deserve the abuse
Blame – saying that you are responsible for the abuse, and you deserve it, consistently blaming others to avoid taking personal responsibility for personal negative behaviors past and present
Sexual assault and rape — forcing you to do any sexual act you do not want to do or doing something sexual when you’re not able to consent, such as when you’ve been drinking heavily
Physical abuse — hitting, shoving, kicking, biting, throwing objects, choking, or any other aggressive or unwanted contact
Isolation – trying to cut off the victim’s relationship with family and friends, using jealousy to justify behavior
Intimidation – making the victim fearful by using threatening behavior; abuse of animals, verbal aggression, or destruction of property
Manipulation – using mind games, shame, guilt, lies, or threats to get what they want
Coercion – threatening to find someone else if the dating partner doesn’t comply with the abuser’s wishes or demands. Threats to harm self or others if the dating partner leaves.
It can also include forcing a woman to get pregnant against her will, trying to influence what happens during your pregnancy, or interfering with your birth control. Abusive partners may pressure a woman into having unprotected sex or prevent her from using birth control. She may think that getting pregnant will stop the abuse. Realistically, abuse can get worse during pregnancy.
Common signs and symptoms of abuse at any stage of a relationship include but are not limited to the following behaviors:
Forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to
Acting overly jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating
Controlling, what to wear, preventing you from seeing friends and family, checking your phone, email, and social media
Using anger when you’re not available when he calls
Criticizing you for how you look, how you think and what you do.
Trying to isolate you from other people, including by insulting them
Blaming you for the abusive behavior saying you, “made him or her do it”
Refusing to take responsibility for their own actions
Apologizing for abuse and promising to change again and again
A quick temper, so you never know what you will do or say that may cause a problem
Not allowing you to end the relationship or making you feel guilty for leaving
Stopping you from using birth control or going to the doctor or nurse
Committing physical violence, such as hitting, pushing, or slapping you
Digital abuse is commonly present at any stage of the relationship and may include but is not limited to the following behaviors:
Repeated unwanted calls, texts, or emails
Demanding a reply right away
Harassment on social media
Requiring you to disclose passwords to media sites
Pressure to send nude or private pictures (called “sexting”)
Stalking you in texts or social media to monitor your communications, insult you, or control your choice of friends and activities
At TDP the curriculum is designed to help the women heal from the effects of their abusive relationship and learn what is necessary to form a healthy relationship, where both partners trust and respect the established relationship boundaries. Skills are learned to guide the residents to develop healthy habits to walk away from abuse. They are educated to know that in a healthy relationship both partners can negotiate for fairness in disagreements by carefully listening to one another and responding with empathy, validation of emotions, understanding, and support rather than with anger. A key component of a healthy relationship is the value they place on their partner as equal to the personal value they hold in the relationship. A core belief in a healthy relationship is that both partners need to be heard, understood, and supported with respect.
“A core belief in a healthy relationship is that both partners need to be heard, understood, and supported with respect.”
The foundation of a dating relationship when two people care about one another is the development of mutual trust. Building trust in a relationship involves several important character traits as well as attitudes, and behaviors in both partners. The first and the most important trait is honesty which leads to an agreement to be truthful, having no secrets. Second is a consistent pattern of respectful and responsible communication with encouragement and support. Third is to express the desire to understand your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about the relationship and then to consider the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of your partner. Fourth is to maintain a safe relationship by refraining from expressing negative, critical, or judgmental attacks on the character of a partner with sarcasm or disrespect. That is not to say negative words or behaviors are ignored. Rather they are addressed for improvements. Fifth is to regularly spend time talking about developing the relationship skills with a focus on truth, honesty, respect, responsibility, encouragement, emotional validation, and support for one another.
A red flag for abuse and violence in a love relationship is when the couple moves too quickly into an exclusive commitment to live together and share bank accounts. A relationship needs 18 -24 months to establish the foundations of trust and maintain mutual respect, responsibility, and support. These traits need to be present in all situations for both partners to grow and maintain good mental and emotional health. In my practice the recommendation given to couples seeking marriage counseling is to participate in two years of therapy if one or both partners has had a history of abuse and/or violence in their past relationships or family of origin. The two years is recommended for healing the emotional wounds from anger, abuse, and the associated trauma of an abusive and violent dating relationship to allow enough time to learn new coping mechanisms.
Many women have long-lasting mental health problems after violence. Staying in an abusive relationship can experience mental and physical health problems including depression, anxiety, and chronic illness. To cope with the effects of the violence, some women start depending on alcohol or drugs or engage in risky behaviors, such as having unprotected sex. Sexual violence can also affect someone’s perception of their own bodies, leading to unhealthy eating patterns or eating disorders. If you are experiencing these problems, know that you are not alone. There are resources that can help you cope with these challenges. Talk to your doctor about your concerns first and follow the medical recommendations to improve your physical health. It is also helpful to find a therapist who specializes in helping women heal from the traumatic effects of violence.
Dating violence includes physical or sexual assault resulting in a host of troubling emotions — fear, confusion, anger, or even being numb and not feeling much of anything. Women typically feel guilt or shame over being assaulted and try to minimize the abuse or hide it by covering bruises and making excuses for the abuser.
If you’ve been physically or sexually assaulted or abused, know that it is not your fault. Getting help for assault or abuse can help prevent long-term mental health effects and other health problems.
Long-term mental health effects of violence against women can include but are not limited to the following disorders:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This can be a result of experiencing trauma or having a shocking or scary experience, such as sexual assault or physical abuse. You may be easily startled, feel tense or on edge, have difficulty sleeping, or have angry outbursts. You may also have trouble remembering things or have negative thoughts about yourself or others. If you think you have PTSD, talk to a mental health professional.
Depression. Depression is a serious illness, but you can get help to feel better. If you are feeling depressed, talk to a mental health professional.
Anxiety. This can be general anxiety about everything, or it can be a sudden attack of intense fear. Anxiety can get worse over time and interfere with your daily life. If you are experiencing anxiety, you can get help from a mental health professional.
In my experiences with the residents at TDP it is common for women who have been violated physically and sexually to shut people out, not wanting to do things they once enjoyed, not being able to trust others, and having low esteem. For some women who have experienced violence they attempt to cope with their trauma by using drugs, drinking alcohol, smoking, or overeating. A well-known fact in recovery programs is that many women with substance use problems have experienced physical or sexual violence. While a substance may give temporary relief to make a survivor feel better in the moment, it is a costly choice and makes them feel worse in the long-term. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or overeating will not help to forget or overcome the experience. Survivors caught in the cycle of addiction should be encouraged to get help as soon as possible. Healing from trauma is not possible while the victim is addicted.
National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7, 365 days per year at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or online at www.thehotline.org
Who can help:
Dating violence can be stopped when one or both partners recognize the abusive attitudes and behaviors and when both partner’s receive education and individual counseling to understand the power and control cycle with its underlying causes, negative beliefs, and destructive behaviors. Through learning emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills abusers and their victims can learn how to apply these skills to bring peace and safety to relationships. All to often, fear, shame, and secrecy prevent the victim from disclosing the abuse due to threats of harm, intimidation, and manipulation.
After getting help for physical injuries, a mental health professional can assist with applying new skills to the emotional concerns. A counselor or therapist can work collaboratively with the victim to learn to deal with your emotions in healthy ways, rebuild self-esteem, and help develop healthy coping skills. In addition, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7, 365 days per year at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or online at www.thehotline.org .
Victims of sexual assault can talk for free with someone who is trained to help through the National Sexual Assault Hotline over the phone at 800-656-HOPE (4673).
Other effects:
Violence against women has physical and mental health effects, but it can also affect the lives of women who are abused in other ways:
Work. Experiencing a trauma like sexual violence may interfere with someone’s ability to work. Half of women who experienced sexual assault had to quit or were forced to leave their jobs in the first year after the assault. Total lifetime income loss for these women is nearly $250,000 each. 8
Home. Many women are forced to leave their homes to find safety because of violence. Research shows that half of all homeless women and children became homeless while trying to escape intimate partner violence. 9
School. Women in college who are sexually assaulted may be afraid to report the assault and continue their education. But Title IX laws require schools to provide extra support for sexual assault victims in college. Schools can help enforce no-contact orders with an abuser and provide mental health counseling and school tutoring.
Children. Women with children may stay with an abusive partner because they fear losing custody or contact with their children.
Dating violence can turn deadly. More than half of women who are murdered each year are killed by an intimate partner. One in 10 of these women experienced violence in the month before their death. If you have experienced abuse, contact a hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233), or learn more ways to get help.
Online resource for this article: www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/dating-violence-and-abuse
Jacqueline Skog, MA
Counselor & Psychologist
Peace and Safety, LLC, Counseling and Workshop Services